Romanian version, here.
Loneliness in the couple is considered the most captive relational state, ranking first in a list of types of loneliness and their causes. When I wrote about the reasons why people are alone, comments mostly indicated the topic of loneliness in the couple, which should basically be an oxymoron. Lack of communication by merely bearing with someone physically leads to a state of permanent discomfort, which culminates with various symptoms. The trauma left by non-communication is felt over time, when the neural system is already programmed to avoid the problem by ignoring the other person.
There is a stage in a couple’s life that not everyone can get over. It is a sort of stumbling block, after the period of falling in love starts to fade away. Sometimes it is associated with the birth of children, only because most of the energy in a household goes into parenting. If the partners are not equally involved, a rift may occur. Salomon Sellam, a doctor and a psychosomatic therapist, stated in an interview (for “La Vanguardia” newspaper) that “when children are born, the subconscious interprets the relationship as a symbolic incest”, which leads to a reduction of intercourse. This statement seems a little implausible, but it is part of the field that explains trauma in the womb. And communication is considered a key that opens every door. Thus, unsolved conflicts leave room for permanent tensions, which eat away at the partners, who become too tired to find rescue options. Nerve-racking and energy‑depleting, stress is actually the main enemy that corrodes the foundation of a relationship. What remains unsaid causes various symptoms later on, adds Salomon Sellam. With the emergence of worries and big responsibilities, we are more consumed and sometimes we do not dose our resources. Only teamwork makes everything easier.
Loneliness in the couple is about the love that died and that we didn’t talk about in due time. It is about the malignant routine that engulfs us and leaves us too numb to make decisions. No matter which way feelings go in time, we should never put an end to words. Words can help us heal, dress, explain and understand. It is through words that we revalidate ourselves as people and it is never too late to do so.